Use It or Lose It
By Brenda Pagliaro
Florida Supreme Court Certified Circuit Civil Mediator and Qualified Arbitrtor
As a Neutral, one of the most important characteristics one needs is to be able to control our words, thoughts and emotions. After all, we are not robots, avatars or actors. We are people with beliefs, thoughts, emotions and yes, opinions. We are human. With that said, it is incumbent upon us to control these thoughts, not be reactive, and to self-regulate.
Self-regulate? What is that? Another new mindfulness tool I have to learn? No, and have no fear, it is actually something most of you already do (hopefully) and often without even realizing it. Unfortunately, we all know people, or clients, that don’t know how to self-regulate, or turn the dial down. It is our job to take them through the process in order to have successful communication between the parties and achieve a resolution.
Self-regulation is a process. In light of recent events, I felt the need to revisit the importance of self-regulation; a person’s ability to control their own emotions, impulses, thoughts and behaviors in ways that realistically align with their goals and values; and in turn, modulating their actions/reactions to prevent being overwhelmed.
Often, we may be affected by outward and inward events or actions, in mediation, and society as a whole, that challenge these values and our ability to self-regulate. Taking things personally often exacerbates these challenges and magnifies the need for proper self-regulation.
To help with this process of self-regulation, we need to be aware of the three essential components:
- Emotional Regulation which is how we manage our feelings such as anger or anxiety, in order to generate an appropriate response;
- Cognitive Regulation which is how we control our thoughts to maintain focus, avoid distractions and shift ideas or perspectives; and
- Behavioral Regulation which guides our actions to resist unproductive behaviors like procrastination or indecisiveness or it pushes to continue with healthy habit or reaction.
It also may include reframing – recontextualizing the issue to gain a new perspective which helps to overcome obstacles or blocks preventing a change of heart or position.
These components play key roles in one’s emotional control, impulse management and cognitive understanding and reframing. Effective self-regulation requires recognizing and modulating emotions utilizing tools such as breathing, talking, meditation, and journaling. Constructive dialogue, self-monitoring by identifying triggers and patterns, and using stress management tools such as breathing, pausing or taking a break, all reduce emotional overwhelm and pressure and improves decision-making.
As a Neutral, I use all of these tools which allows for a more productive mediation and improved overall well-being.